I Cared for My Father Who Didn’t Care for Me: 4 Tips to Weather the Storm

By Barbara Drake-Vera, author and advocate

In January 2011, I got the call that no child of an elderly parent wants to hear: my widowed 86-year-old father had been diagnosed with advancing Alzheimer’s and needed round-the-clock care. 

What made my situation even more painful: My father had emotionally abused me as a child, and I had spent the last 35 years getting as far from him as possible. I had even moved from Florida to Peru four years earlier, for work and safe distance.

And now it was up to me, his only child, to look after him. 

Ugh, I thought.

In an unusual move, my husband and I brought my father to our home in Lima to be cared for by trained health aides. It was considerably more affordable than any U.S. dementia care. And I was grateful the aides took most of the physical caretaking burden off my shoulders. 

But I still had to cope with having my cruel, narcissistic father under my roof 24/7, until his death two years later. 

I felt alone in my predicament then, but as I later found out, being the child of an abusive parent is not uncommon. Worldwide, about 36% of children are emotionally abused, 18% are physically or sexually (8%-18%) abused and 16% to 18% are physically or emotionally neglected by a parent. 

If you are caring for an unloving parent, here are four tips from my time in the trenches to help preserve your wellbeing.

1. Find a Therapist 

Caring for your unloving parent will trigger emotions from your past. A good therapist can help you understand those reactions and teach you methods to boost your self-worth, such as setting boundaries. Putting your emotional health first is paramount: Caring for a toxic parent leads to clinical depression for about 40% of carers. 

Joining an in-person or virtual support group for Alzheimer’s family caregivers can also give you a place to vent and commiserate. See here for more ways to reduce caregiver stress.

2. Get Hands-on Help

Any hands-on help you can afford — either in-home care or adult day centers — will relieve your physical and emotional stress. And it can save up to 50% on the cost of long-term care by delaying your parent’s entry into a residence home. Benefits of paid care to your parent include expert-level care and greater safety.

3. Let Go of “The Fantasy”

You may find yourself yearning for an apology for past wrongs from your parent, especially given your sacrifices. Nip that fantasy in the bud. Cognitively, your parent with dementia is not up to such a task. Face this truth, grieve for the apology you deserve but won’t get, and move forward by taking charge of your own wellbeing.

4. Find Your “Why” for Caregiving

Many family caregivers do so out of love and gratitude. However, when you missed out on a strong, loving parental relationship, you must figure out your personal “why” for caregiving. You may have been initially motivated by financial concerns or guilt, but to sustain your efforts over the long haul, you must discover your own spiritual or moral reasons. 

For me, caring for my father became an opportunity to break a decades-old cycle of abuse and victimization. Faced with my father’s illness and vulnerability, I chose to be compassionate, in contrast to the damaging choices he once made as a parent.  

That experience demonstrated that as wounded as I once was, I am now empowered to be kind to others. 

Final Thoughts

Caring for an unloving parent with dementia is a challenge. When your time is over, you will likely have many unresolved emotional issues, either from the past or from the caregiving ordeal. That is normal.

While you are on your caregiving journey, set boundaries, prioritize your own health and discover your “why.” You and your parent will be better for it. 

The Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 Helpline is available at 800.272.3900 or visit alz.org.